From Rivalry to Real Talk: Sibling Connections

If you have a sibling (or a sibling-like person in your life), you understand that they know our stories like no one else—but that doesn’t always mean we communicate well.

Life, distance, and old dynamics can make staying connected tricky.

But here’s the good news: it’s never too late to re-engage. A kind word or a curious question can reopen doors you thought were closed.

Using the Enneagram Communication Stances as a guide, you may notice your sibling tends to withdraw, push for answers, or follow the rules in conversations. When you understand their stance, you can better meet them where they are.

Imagine this sibling scenario…Three adult siblings are trying to plan a meaningful 50th wedding anniversary celebration for their parents. Tensions are rising as decisions about location, budget, and the guest list stall.

Let’s meet the Siblings…

• Veena (Assertive Stance):

  She jumps in with big ideas—“Let’s rent a vineyard and invite everyone!” She wants to make it memorable and doesn’t understand why there’s hesitation.

  “Why am I the only one making suggestions? Let’s just move forward already!”

  
  

• Quincy (Dutiful Stance):

  Focused on doing what’s expected and what their parents would want. He’s concerned about making a mistake and wants group agreement before acting.

  “I don’t want to plan something they won’t like. Shouldn’t we ask them what they’d prefer?”

  
  

• Nila (Withdrawn Stance):

  She needs time to think and prefers to plan privately before sharing. She’s feeling overwhelmed by the group texts and opinions, so she’s gone quiet.

  “This is too much. I’ll just do my part when it’s settled.”

Where It’s Breaking Down:

• Veena feels like she’s doing all the work and being ignored.

• Quincy feels stuck trying to make everyone happy and is afraid to move ahead.

• Nila is silently disengaging, feeling unheard and overstimulated.

  
  

Here are a few options to help this group move forward:

First, start with a moment of awareness and acknowledge Communication Styles:

“Hey, I think we each approach planning differently—maybe we can talk about how we prefer to communicate so we don’t miss each other.”

Next, name the needs:

• Veena (Assertive): Can soften her pace and ask for feedback before pushing forward.

  “I’m excited and want to go big—but I really want to hear what each of you thinks before we decide anything.”​

• Quincy (Dutiful): Can express his desire for alignment without waiting for perfection.

  “Let’s list what we do know Mom and Dad would love and work from there.”

• Nila (Withdrawn): Can name her need for space and commit to re-engaging.

  “I get overwhelmed by group texts, but I’ll review everything tonight and send my ideas in the morning.”

The Outcome…By recognizing their communication stances:

• Veena feels less alone in the planning and more supported.

• Quincy feels free to contribute without needing consensus first.

• Nila feels respected and able to participate on her terms.

Together, they create a celebration that’s collaborative, thoughtful, and deeply meaningful—just like their parents would have hoped.

Get Curious…What patterns from childhood still influence how you and your sibling communicate today? How could understanding each other’s stances open the door to deeper respect and connection?

This week, send one message this week to a sibling (or close person) that focuses on connection rather than correction. Keep it simple, heartfelt, and open-ended; notice how it feels.

Cheering On Better Talks,

Katie and Kristan