Say What You Mean—With Love

The way we communicate often reflects the state of our hearts.

Today we’re talking about communication in marriage or a committed relationship.

Whether you are married or not, understanding how communication flows in close, personal relationships is deeply valuable—these tools apply to anyone navigating emotional intimacy and connection.

Clear, compassionate communication isn’t about always agreeing - it’s about staying engaged and choosing connection over conflict.

One simple tool? Reflective listening.

Before responding, try repeating back what you heard in your own words.

Understanding how your partner communicates - whether they tend to be Assertive, Dutiful, or Withdrawn - can reduce misunderstandings. These stances shape how we handle tension, express needs, and listen.

Imagine this scenario… A couple is discussing a long-anticipated kitchen remodel. It’s exciting… but tension is rising. Each has different priorities, and their communication stances are shaping how they express themselves—and how they’re (not) hearing each other.

Here’s an example of how each pairing of the stances might handle the situation:

Assertive + Dutiful Combo

Assertive spouse: “We just need to pick a design and move forward—waiting around is wasting time.”

Dutiful spouse: (feeling pressured) “I just want to make sure we’re thinking everything through. We haven’t even looked at the long-term budget.”

An approach that could help them move forward:

The Assertive spouse can slow down and ask, “What do you need to feel good about moving forward?”

The Dutiful spouse can share, “I need us to walk through the costs together first—then I’ll feel more confident about the decision.”

Assertive + Withdrawn

Assertive spouse: “We’ve talked about this already. Why are you hesitating?”

Withdrawn spouse: (shuts down) “It’s just… a lot. I need time to process.”

An approach that could help them move forward:

The Assertive spouse can say, “I know I tend to push for quick answers—take the evening to think, and we’ll talk tomorrow.”

The Withdrawn spouse can try, “I want to stay in this conversation, I just need space to sort through my thoughts first.”

Dutiful + Withdrawn

Dutiful spouse: “I just want us to do what’s best for both of us.”

Withdrawn spouse: (internally frustrated but quiet) “I don’t feel like what I want is even being considered.”

An approach that could help them move forward:

The Dutiful spouse can ask, “Have I made enough space for your ideas? I really do want to hear what matters to you.”

The Withdrawn spouse might try, “It’s hard for me to speak up, but I’d like to share what I’ve been thinking.”

Each stance brings something valuable—drive, responsibility, reflection—but without awareness, they can miss each other’s needs.

Understanding your own stance and your partner’s helps shift from tension to teamwork and confusion to clarity - even in something as ordinary (and stressful!) as a remodel.

Get curious…Recognizing your stance can be a game-changer in communication. Which of the stances do you resonate with?

This week, try asking your partner: “What’s something you’ve been wanting to talk about that we haven’t made space for?” Then just listen. Practice reflective listening this week - and don’t worry about solving, just stay present.​

Choosing Connection,

Katie and Kristan