Know Your Stance, Change the Conversation

After sending out the last email, a friend reached out and said, “I’m curious -what does it look like when two people with the same communication stance are navigating something together?”

Of course, what a great question!

And honestly… I can’t believe I missed that pairing in all the emails of this series.

I really appreciated her reaching out and communicating her curiosity—which, in itself, is a beautiful example of intentional connection.

So in this email, we’re diving into just that: what happens when two Assertive, Dutiful, or Withdrawn communicators come together, and how understanding those similarities can still lead to deeper clarity, grace, and connection.

Because sometimes we assume communication will be easier when we’re wired the same way—but that’s not always the case.

When two people share the same Enneagram Communication Stance (Assertive, Dutiful, or Withdrawn), they might use the same style of interaction but still have very different expectations and ways of expressing themselves.

Shared stances can mean shared strengths - but also shared blind spots.

Whether you’re in a working partnership, close friendship, or family relationship, recognizing how your shared stance plays out can help you communicate more clearly and connect more intentionally.

The Scenario… two long-time friends, siblings, parent/child, or a married couple - who share a stance, are coordinating a fundraiser at their children’s school.

Assertive + Assertive

What it sounds like:

• “Let’s just make a decision and go with it!”

• “We don’t have time to debate—we’ll fix it later if needed.”

Both want to move fast, take charge, and keep things moving. But they clash when their visions compete, or if one feels steamrolled by the other’s boldness.

Options to help them move forward:

• Slow the pace.

• Make room for mutual input by asking, “What’s your top priority in this? Let’s align before we act.”

Even assertive communicators need space to feel heard, not just move forward.

Dutiful + Dutiful

What it sounds like:

• “I just want to do what’s best for everyone involved.”

• “I’ll take care of whatever’s needed—don’t worry about me.”

They both want to meet expectations, avoid conflict, and be responsible—but may avoid expressing their own preferences or needs. Resentment can build under the surface if no one speaks up.

Options to help them move forward:

• Practice being direct.

• Ask each other, “What do YOU actually want here?” and “What would feel like support for you—not just the group?”

Dutiful communicators thrive when they’re reassured their voice matters, too.

Withdrawn + Withdrawn

What it sounds like:

• “I’m still thinking it through—I’ll get back to you.”

• “Same, I’m waiting for the inspiration to hit.”

They both value reflection and independence, but little gets done when neither initiates or follows up. Silence isn’t avoidance - it’s their natural rhythm - but it can lead to disconnection or missed opportunities.

Options to help them move forward:

• Create gentle accountability.

• Try asking, “Want to meet this weekend and map out a first draft together?”

Withdrawn communicators benefit from shared structure and knowing it’s safe to show up imperfectly.

Isn’t it fascinating how even when we share the same stance, the way we communicate can still look so different?

That’s the beauty (and mystery!) of being human...there’s always more to learn, especially about ourselves and the people closest to us.

So keep asking questions, stay curious about your patterns, and notice how those around you show up, too. Who knows what fresh understanding might be waiting in your next conversation?

If you haven’t honed in on your communication stance yet, the first step is to take a few minutes, reflect on which response in this scenario resonates with you, and name your stance.

The next step is to grab your friend, sibling, spouse or co-worker and talk about what your communication stance looks like for each of you.

If you’re up for it, go one step further and discuss shared strengths you notice - and where your similarities or differences might be creating missed cues or miscommunication.

You might be surprised by how differently you show up, even if your energy is similar.

Expanding our Voices Together,

Katie and Kristan

“The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” Proverbs 20:5 (ESV)

This verse reflects the idea that there’s always more beneath the surface in each person...even when we appear similar. It honors the gift of being curious, listening deeply, and drawing out meaning with care and insight.